ALONDRA KARENINA: octubre 2018

She was the tide

I used to be the tide...

Always drifting in and out of the ocean, unable to discern whether I preferred the safety of the land or the wild freedom of the ocean.

She thought the land was not good enough, that she will be trapped in there, so she left. But the ocean lost its appeal, it was dangerous and threatening, and instead of diving she felt like drowning.

She had never been scared of its waters, she knew it has some dark spots, where terrible creatures await. Those creatures where part of him, she learnt that from the very first day. But somehow she was tearing him out of his life, but not enough. The ocean will forever be the ocean, no matter how desperately he declared his love and will to follow the tide, at the end of each day the ocean will be again the same old ocean. She will be stuck on the surface, by herself, cause those forbidden places will never be reveled to her eyes. She never will be welcome.

Suddenly the tide felt the emptiness of the land, missed its warm, the stillness of the beach. She remembered how she always felt save, how the land shaped its costs to fit her.

But the land was not the same now, was abandoned and when the tide approached slowly, there was no one there.

I don't remember the last time I had real doubts. Always was like a game in my head, an obsession to have it all, it was easier not to chose, but a huge mess.

When it all begun I was obsessed with him, how could a man be so clever, so intelligent, so kind, and good-looking? He got inside my mind and I did not fought enough to take him out. He took over my life and I destroyed his at the same time.

He has bet on my perfection, our perfection, but is not real. I keep giving the right answers, I can't help it.

He is not afraid of the moment when the spell breaks. He should. I am.

Pain of deceive seems so far one more time. The only pain I feel is the one of have losing him, of losing our life. I hold my mind to go there, but I know the pain will grow every day and will take me down when I get away from here, from all I know, from all we were.

Is it normal? To miss him this much... right now. I shouldn't . But all I can think is how happy we used to be, how determined to make it work, how open to help and be for each other. I miss his skin every morning, his awful music on the shower, his coffee taste, he making us breakfast every morning, he taking care of me and me making him smile.

True love is not real, was him my best bet? Am I hopeless? Am afraid so...

But what actually follows me everywhere, every second... is fear. I am just scared to death.

10/16/2018
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A Paradox

10/03/2018
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Puzzle pieces

I once told him that we were pieces of different puzzles, cause there were many things off between us.

He fulfills everything that is on my black list, on my “don’t do list”, and still I did what I did. Knowing the reason is actually going to make a difference? That won’t take the pain away, won’t vanish the last three months.

Battle of knowing who the worst of both us is, is not going to make us be better persons. We both lock a hell inside ourselves, we both have reasons to be ashamed.

When looking thru the glass all I see is sorrow. So much pain. How were we capable of destroying so much happiness in such short amount of time? Were we paying for our fake perfection? I believe indeed we were forced to be true to each other. We built with hope but keeping dark secrets and unsettling truths which weight had to tare us apart.

We are tremendously different, but have so much in common, our goals always were on opposite directions but still we fought to make it work. We manage to enjoy our time together despite everything else...that seemed to be enough.

When saying that losing you will mean losing a part of myself too, I was being practical. I had no idea. You are part of me, we separating is cutting by the middle what has already the same roots.

You haven’t even gone and I already feel the emptiness your absence will leave. I resist to lose your hand for good... every time it slides away I throw my body at the edge to grab it again. Your touch makes me feel safe, and am scared to think that I have already lose that. That there is not going back.

Future away from you is all darkness that excites me but scares me at the same time. I don´t know what road I should take. I am not used to walk by myself.
We were also pieces of different puzzles but we made them match. And it was supposed to be forever.
But I have hurt you so badly that I should just walk away, you should run away from me as everyone tells you to. There is no good or kindness in me.

I'm worst than you know, way worst.

10/02/2018
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Once Upon a Time

10/02/2018
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At the edge of the end

She was the tide

A Paradox

Puzzle pieces

Once Upon a Time

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