I used to be the tide...

Always drifting in and out of the ocean, unable to discern whether I preferred  the safety of the land or the wild freedom of the ocean.

She thought the land was not good enough, that she will be trapped in there, so she left. But the ocean lost its appeal, it was dangerous and threatening, and instead of diving she felt like drowning.

She had never been scared of its waters, she knew it has some dark spots, where terrible creatures await. Those creatures where part of him, she learnt that from the very first day. But somehow she was tearing him out of his life, but not enough. The ocean will forever be the ocean, no matter how desperately he declared his love and will to follow the tide, at the end of each day the ocean will be again the same old ocean. She will be stuck on the surface, by herself, cause those forbidden places will never be reveled to her eyes. She never will be welcome.

Suddenly the tide felt the emptiness of the land, missed its warm, the stillness of the beach. She remembered how she always felt save, how the land shaped its costs to fit her.

But the land was not the same now, was abandoned and when the tide approached slowly, there was no one there.

I don't remember the last time I had real doubts. Always was like a game in my head, an obsession to have it all, it was easier not to chose, but a huge mess.

When it all begun I was obsessed with him, how could a man be so clever, so intelligent, so kind, and good-looking? He got inside my mind and I did not fought enough to take him out. He took over my life and I destroyed his at the same time.

He has bet on my perfection, our perfection, but is not real. I keep giving the right answers, I can't help it.

He is not afraid of the moment when the spell breaks. He should. I am.

Pain of deceive seems so far one more time. The only pain I feel is the one of have losing him, of losing our life. I hold my mind to go there, but I know the pain will grow every day and will take me down when I get away from here, from all I know, from all we were.

Is it normal? To miss him this much... right now. I shouldn't . But all I can think is how happy we used to be, how determined to make it work, how open to help and be for each other. I miss his skin every morning, his awful music on  the shower, his coffee taste,  he making us breakfast every morning, he taking care of me and me making him smile. 

True love is not real, was him my best bet? Am I hopeless? Am afraid so...

But what actually follows me everywhere, every second... is fear. I am just scared to death.