- 12/05/2018
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I did not know.
I’m one week away from turning 27 and I have never read Tolstói’s master piece. Not even have seen the movie. Till today.
I just found a new way to justify myself.
I carry a curse.
I imagined that thought never crossed my father’s mind when he chose the name, but I followed that pattern. I’m her.
A. Karenina, a married woman who fell for someone else, who left everything, who went against it all for love and kills herself in the end.
- 11/22/2018
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I actually burned the bridge.
I knew that the only way of avoiding myself from crossing that bridge was to burn it. But I miss understood. I destroyed the wrong one.
There is no way back home.
I’m by myself.
- 11/17/2018
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Every day it feels like am living someone else’s life.
This wasn't my life, people who are now in it, weren't before.
But am just living it.
Somehow it makes sense, that I haven't refused to take part in it, I have been moving forward.
But am scared.
Am so scared.
I can’t recall the last time I felt this lonely.
I’m going against it all.
Screaming to the emptiness seems pointless, it doesn’t mean enough. There is nobody hidden there listening, am just speaking to myself and I have no answers.
Am just scared.
I made shreds the life I had, accidentally on purpose, but I did.
Time flys by.
Am already crossing the bridge to the other side, but I cannot see the shore, is all darkness. Lights and sounds are behind me, losing its intensity with the distance.
Everyone stayed there and no one is waiting for me ahead.
Everyone stayed there and no one is waiting for me ahead.
How not to be scared?
There is no safe land anymore.
Every where I look at, all I can see is water, plenty of water. I fantasize with drowning. Cold water all over my body, reaching my lungs till death sounds promising, sounds like an endless pause, like resting for good.
Every where I look at, all I can see is water, plenty of water. I fantasize with drowning. Cold water all over my body, reaching my lungs till death sounds promising, sounds like an endless pause, like resting for good.
- 11/14/2018
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Every day it gets closer, the end.
I was getting better, but not anymore.
I am getting worst.
I miss you like crazy.
I just don't want that life anymore. I just don't.
I don't want to wake up every morning with anyone else
I don't want to go to the movies with anyone else
I don't want to spend my holidays with anyone else
I want to be you.
I want to be you, the one with who I drive through highways
I want to be you, the one with who I get drunk on weekends
I want to be you, the one for who I wait to get home
I want to be you, the one with who I make plans
I want to be you, the one with who I through myself to the unknown
I want to be you, the one with who I stay in bed on a rainy Sunday
I want to be you, the one with who I have a beautiful piece of us
I want to be you, the one with who I plan a family, A life
But I'm scared
I am scared that you don't want me to be the one for you
I am scared that you realize that you are happier without me
I am scared that you realize that I am not worth it
I am scared that this time the "I don't want you in my life" is for good.
I was getting better, but not anymore.
I am getting worst.
I miss you like crazy.
I just don't want that life anymore. I just don't.
I don't want to wake up every morning with anyone else
I don't want to go to the movies with anyone else
I don't want to spend my holidays with anyone else
I want to be you.
I want to be you, the one with who I drive through highways
I want to be you, the one with who I get drunk on weekends
I want to be you, the one for who I wait to get home
I want to be you, the one with who I make plans
I want to be you, the one with who I through myself to the unknown
I want to be you, the one with who I stay in bed on a rainy Sunday
I want to be you, the one with who I have a beautiful piece of us
I want to be you, the one with who I plan a family, A life
But I'm scared
I am scared that you don't want me to be the one for you
I am scared that you realize that you are happier without me
I am scared that you realize that I am not worth it
I am scared that this time the "I don't want you in my life" is for good.
- 10/21/2018
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I used to be the tide...
Always drifting in and out of the ocean, unable to discern whether I preferred the safety of the land or the wild freedom of the ocean.
She thought the land was not good enough, that she will be trapped in there, so she left. But the ocean lost its appeal, it was dangerous and threatening, and instead of diving she felt like drowning.
She had never been scared of its waters, she knew it has some dark spots, where terrible creatures await. Those creatures where part of him, she learnt that from the very first day. But somehow she was tearing him out of his life, but not enough. The ocean will forever be the ocean, no matter how desperately he declared his love and will to follow the tide, at the end of each day the ocean will be again the same old ocean. She will be stuck on the surface, by herself, cause those forbidden places will never be reveled to her eyes. She never will be welcome.
Suddenly the tide felt the emptiness of the land, missed its warm, the stillness of the beach. She remembered how she always felt save, how the land shaped its costs to fit her.
But the land was not the same now, was abandoned and when the tide approached slowly, there was no one there.
I don't remember the last time I had real doubts. Always was like a game in my head, an obsession to have it all, it was easier not to chose, but a huge mess.
When it all begun I was obsessed with him, how could a man be so clever, so intelligent, so kind, and good-looking? He got inside my mind and I did not fought enough to take him out. He took over my life and I destroyed his at the same time.
He has bet on my perfection, our perfection, but is not real. I keep giving the right answers, I can't help it.
He is not afraid of the moment when the spell breaks. He should. I am.
Pain of deceive seems so far one more time. The only pain I feel is the one of have losing him, of losing our life. I hold my mind to go there, but I know the pain will grow every day and will take me down when I get away from here, from all I know, from all we were.
Is it normal? To miss him this much... right now. I shouldn't . But all I can think is how happy we used to be, how determined to make it work, how open to help and be for each other. I miss his skin every morning, his awful music on the shower, his coffee taste, he making us breakfast every morning, he taking care of me and me making him smile.
True love is not real, was him my best bet? Am I hopeless? Am afraid so...
But what actually follows me everywhere, every second... is fear. I am just scared to death.
- 10/16/2018
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How can you be in loved but heart broken at the same time?
Who would thought that was possible?
We already had learn that our heart could be divided,
- 10/03/2018
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I once told him that we were pieces of different puzzles, cause there were many things off between us.
He fulfills everything that is on my black list, on my “don’t do list”, and still I did what I did. Knowing the reason is actually going to make a difference? That won’t take the pain away, won’t vanish the last three months.
Battle of knowing who the worst of both us is, is not going to make us be better persons. We both lock a hell inside ourselves, we both have reasons to be ashamed.
When looking thru the glass all I see is sorrow. So much pain. How were we capable of destroying so much happiness in such short amount of time? Were we paying for our fake perfection? I believe indeed we were forced to be true to each other. We built with hope but keeping dark secrets and unsettling truths which weight had to tare us apart.
We are tremendously different, but have so much in common, our goals always were on opposite directions but still we fought to make it work. We manage to enjoy our time together despite everything else...that seemed to be enough.
When saying that losing you will mean losing a part of myself too, I was being practical. I had no idea. You are part of me, we separating is cutting by the middle what has already the same roots.
You haven’t even gone and I already feel the emptiness your absence will leave. I resist to lose your hand for good... every time it slides away I throw my body at the edge to grab it again. Your touch makes me feel safe, and am scared to think that I have already lose that. That there is not going back.
Future away from you is all darkness that excites me but scares me at the same time. I don´t know what road I should take. I am not used to walk by myself.
We were also pieces of different puzzles but we made them match. And it was supposed to be forever.
But I have hurt you so badly that I should just walk away, you should run away from me as everyone tells you to. There is no good or kindness in me.
I'm worst than you know, way worst.
We were also pieces of different puzzles but we made them match. And it was supposed to be forever.
But I have hurt you so badly that I should just walk away, you should run away from me as everyone tells you to. There is no good or kindness in me.
- 10/02/2018
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You told me to write our story...
What you don't know is that this story doesn't have a happy ending, not even a happy beginning, well to make it worst, even the development was a forgerie.
What a dissapointemt we are. How naive have we allowed to be...
Am not the person you thought i was and you are not the perfect man you made me believe all these years.
He is always right, is a mystery how he does it, but one day on the near future, I will remember his words and regret not listening.
I met you like normal people do, a random day at a normal situation. We spoke about trivial stuff with no rush until the day came and after that night of talking and dancing we never separated. That evening you asked me for a kiss and I refused. I wonder what you saw in me...There was something off.
In matter of days you met the crazy ''me" . We used to talk but mostly make out till midnight. My parents hated those days, they said i was disrespectful and they were right, I didnt care about anything.
We were about to brake up a couple of months later, but I couldn't. When I looked at you, my eyes burst into tears.
But you got under my skin. During the first year i remember saying that we had the Kind of relationship I always wanted.
Actually nothing in between matters anymore...So much happiness, so much perfection could not be real, and it wasn't.
What you don't know is that this story doesn't have a happy ending, not even a happy beginning, well to make it worst, even the development was a forgerie.
What a dissapointemt we are. How naive have we allowed to be...
Am not the person you thought i was and you are not the perfect man you made me believe all these years.
He is always right, is a mystery how he does it, but one day on the near future, I will remember his words and regret not listening.
I met you like normal people do, a random day at a normal situation. We spoke about trivial stuff with no rush until the day came and after that night of talking and dancing we never separated. That evening you asked me for a kiss and I refused. I wonder what you saw in me...There was something off.
In matter of days you met the crazy ''me" . We used to talk but mostly make out till midnight. My parents hated those days, they said i was disrespectful and they were right, I didnt care about anything.
We were about to brake up a couple of months later, but I couldn't. When I looked at you, my eyes burst into tears.
But you got under my skin. During the first year i remember saying that we had the Kind of relationship I always wanted.
Actually nothing in between matters anymore...So much happiness, so much perfection could not be real, and it wasn't.
- 10/02/2018
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I want to know what the truth is...
We were Made for each other?
Destiny got us wrong?
Maybe destiny is just antes inadeccuate use of language but for sure God's paths are a mystery...
Our lives have turned around and upside down because of me, of us, that I truly don't know what the truth is.
We were Made for each other?
Destiny got us wrong?
Maybe destiny is just antes inadeccuate use of language but for sure God's paths are a mystery...
Our lives have turned around and upside down because of me, of us, that I truly don't know what the truth is.
- 9/02/2018
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And then she asked:
How are you supposed to live with that?
And the wind whispered:
You are not.
You are supposed to be brave, to be strong, to dare, to bet and to succeed.
Cause you are capable of taking the pieces of your life, scattered on the floor and get you a whole new life with a whole new version of yourself. A happy one.
How are you supposed to live with that?
And the wind whispered:
You are not.
You are supposed to be brave, to be strong, to dare, to bet and to succeed.
Cause you are capable of taking the pieces of your life, scattered on the floor and get you a whole new life with a whole new version of yourself. A happy one.
- 8/16/2018
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I realized I don't want you.
Whether your are the kind of man who sleeps with random girls, or you are the kind of guy who allows itself to fall for someone else, when having a girl already mad for him...
I don't want this guy who you became, or who you always have been.
The guy who look at girls with lust on his eyes, who desires someone else. I still want a man who meets me and the whole world disappears, who can't conceive cheating on me, who believes no one could ever compare with me. How self-centered and naive I am?
But for that matter, you shouldn't love me or want me either, because we are the same.
I also allowed myself to fall for someone else.
If we have acted the same, maybe it's a clear proof, that we are the same.
I looked at someone else, so did you
I entangled myself with his words and hypnotizing voice, so did you
I wanted to kiss him desperately, so did you
I reached that point and further, so did you
I saw myself with him, despite his circumstances, so did you.
I doubted if you were the one for me, at least for once, you did too
I jeopardize us for someone else, so did you
I lied when I told you that didn't fall for him, am afraid you did too...
Whether your are the kind of man who sleeps with random girls, or you are the kind of guy who allows itself to fall for someone else, when having a girl already mad for him...
I don't want this guy who you became, or who you always have been.
The guy who look at girls with lust on his eyes, who desires someone else. I still want a man who meets me and the whole world disappears, who can't conceive cheating on me, who believes no one could ever compare with me. How self-centered and naive I am?
But for that matter, you shouldn't love me or want me either, because we are the same.
I also allowed myself to fall for someone else.
If we have acted the same, maybe it's a clear proof, that we are the same.
I looked at someone else, so did you
I entangled myself with his words and hypnotizing voice, so did you
I wanted to kiss him desperately, so did you
I reached that point and further, so did you
I saw myself with him, despite his circumstances, so did you.
I doubted if you were the one for me, at least for once, you did too
I jeopardize us for someone else, so did you
I lied when I told you that didn't fall for him, am afraid you did too...
What an awful lesson...
Cause if we allowed ourselves to do that, it's because maybe we did not love that much.
We are just one of those couples. How terrible is that?
You and me was perfect for so long, that we resist to believe that is over, that we messed it up.
We got tired of perfection and pretended to deceive each other and ourselves.
What if we did not made a mistake, what if she is the one for you, and you just found yourselves at a bad timing? What if that's the reason you keep finding your way back together. I can taste the pain because of that, but maybe ripping you from her is only causing you more damage. Maybe I am stealing your time.
Our life was about to be perfection, if only weren't all a lie, if only you hadn't pretend for all those years, if only I hadn't have all those doubts, if only I hadn't saw someone else, if only our love had been enough.
We ended up on the same place.
I am so crazy about you, that hurts to accept you are not perfect. I have loved every inch of your body, of your mind, of your soul, that tears me apart, that you are not that man anymore. That you never were. I was in love with someone who isn't you, of someone who doesn't exist.
I fight every day with my reality, I refuse to not loving you the same, I refuse to feel the pain for losing you, I refuse to accept this is who you truly are.
I want to love you either way, but I don't feel your unconditional love anymore, the unconditional love I cried for, I prayed for. The love I wanted to get back.
Everything you do for me I feel is out of guilt, instead of love.
Now I see what you see, my flaws. You stopped seeing the good in me and I stopped too, only that you did years ago, and I didn't know. Now I realized that while I questioned and criticized you a month ago, you did it years ago. Unconsciously I was been compared for a long time, and I am weak, cause with only a couple of conscious comparison weeks am already exhausted.
I don't want this for my life, I want to be enough. I don't like games where losing is a possibility, I want you to bet for me every time. I want you to be sure it's me.
Our love was misplaced, we didn't love the same way at the same time.
If our love couldn't be perfect when we had it all, I doubt any love could ever be.
You blamed me for that. I blame you.
We both are guilty.
- 8/14/2018
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I only have one word for us.
The calm and peace I feel despite the pain, is all I want for you.
My stomach steel reflects my feelings, every time your words come back a wave runs through me. God is my cure, he is my hope and and I know that if I hold to his hand anything is possible.
- 7/23/2018
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Someone said later would be to late, and it was.
My lethargy last for too long. The bomb exploded in my face, there aren’t even ashes to recover.
Pain is unbearable. I just want everything to stop, I don’t want to feel this anymore I need to sleep. For good.
- 7/20/2018
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Fire can be so appealing but ends up by consuming you from the inside and flames burning those who approach.
- 7/13/2018
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How can someone cause si much pain? Where is the heart?
- 6/19/2018
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- 6/12/2018
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Pain can be just as undescribable as love is. Takes you from the sudden, tearing your soul from the inside and escaping through your eyes.
"Un gran dolor solo puede ser superado por una alegría aun mas grande".
In the mean time, is already here and I know that will come after me stronger during the comming hours and days.
I said I was ready, but no one could ever be.
I wish i could have told him what he wanted to hear, that being together and his love were enough. But by now, I just think love is overrated. I sounded selfish and became the kind of person is inevitable to hate, the kind of person I always judged. As He said, I just told him all the things I promised I would never say.
It seems like life tests us to see how brave or naive we are, how strong or heartless, how determined or ungrateful.
But I trust in time, probably proves me right. But if it doesn't, at the end is not going to make a difference, we are our choices and we have the power over our own fate...
- 6/12/2018
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It might seem like I planned everything, that I waited till the last minute to make the bomb explode, damages are countless.
He is broken, I bleed him out and then just stared at my mess. My words were meaningless, the damage has been done, my reasons were not enough, didn't make sense for anyone. But the truth remains, love is not enough, I wish it were, thought it did, but there is an emptiness that very few people could understand.
Perfection is an illusion, I am very sorry for not being the person you though I was, you needed and you loved. I am sorry for not stopping this wave of pain for you, saying that I loved you and that we will overcome this , I just couldn't, words didn't come out, and I couldn't explain why, when I had promised to stay by your side forever.
Then out of the sudden I knew why. Your place has been taken, I am sorry for letting that happen, for not resisting, I should have. One day you will know and hopefully doesn't cause you as much suffering as it would do now.
I never expected this to happen, believe me. Maybe destiny is playing me, maybe God was testing me and I already have failed.
I want to believe you will find peace and one day forgive me for destroying you now.
I'm sorry that our love wasn't enough.
- 6/04/2018
- 0 Comments
- 4/08/2018
- 0 Comments
¡Hola a todos!
Pues que les digo que aunque parezco medio cold, en realidad soy muy pero muy cursi. Ya saben me encantan todas las cosas rosas y empalagosas, aunque no me considero particularmente girly, el instinto me traiciona.
- 2/04/2018
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As crazy as it sounds, for a lot of people is really hard to understand why a Skirt can be Midi, neither mini, nor long, just midi and suit perfectly. The first time I wore one to go to the office, there were so many opinions about it, but although others can love it or hate it, I have no doubt: Midi Skirts are a Must of the Season.
- 1/15/2018
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