Xmas left me speechless.
¿Cuánto tardaré en dejar de ver al pasado?
Life is too short to live the same day twice.

I chose the ocean, but the tide laughed at me, I couldn't even give a small breath when I got sucked in.

Podría haber jurado que para ahora ya estaríamos juntos de nuevo. Pero no, ya se que las adivinanzas no son lo mío. No podríamos estar más alejados. 

Don’t you dare to tell me that you still love me...

You won this time, I couldn’t answer back, you only missed one point, but the rest is correct. I planned a life with someone else despite you. I ruined our life for a stranger.
I don’t want to end up making excuses, but it is what it is.
Am scared. Scared to have this life for good, scared to never see you again, scared to prove you wrong and never get back together. Scared to be alone and to settle for real this time, to just accept this.
Maybe you have fulfilled all your needs but I still feel incomplete, empty. With a meaningless life.
But every time am stronger, I can bare more.

Conforme pasan los años debes terminar cediendo al entender que por más  que quieras, ya no puede ser solo sobre ti, al menos no con todas las personas.
Cuando pierdes a alguien no te das cuenta en cuantos sentidos es así. No eres consciente de todo lo que cambiará en tu vida. Es entonces cuando el dolor  regresa, cuando la herida que iba sanando vuelve a arder.
Una vez más, vuelves a preguntarte en qué momento giro el mundo tan rápido, cómo puedes estar donde estás... cómo cambió todo tan drásticamente. Aun ahora, después de todo... me pregunto si estamos en el lugar correcto o si cambiamos el rumbo de nuestras vidas, si realmente había un “destino” y lo burlamos, pero al hacerlo desequilibramos todo.
En días como hoy la nostalgia lo acapara todo y lo odio...
Ojalá fuera una de esas pruebas en las que puedes repetir hasta acertar en todo, pero la vida tiene un número limitado de intentos y agote los míos.
El mundo no se acaba... no lo ha hecho y no lo hará por esto. Los días siguen corriendo incansables, detestables. Yo todavía no estoy lista para continuar. 

El pasado se ve de una forma curiosa conforme transcurre el tiempo.
Hace un año... hace un año estaba llorando desconsolada en mi coche, aparcada en el estacionamiento de mi trabajo, con dos toneladas de pendientes, subí a mi oficina después de una hora, con la cara destruida y el corazón hecho pedazos.
Cuando al fin salí, esa canción apareció en mi telefono. Y en ese largo pasillo me  solté a llorar nuevamente, esperando que nadie llegara.
Estaba por comenzar nuestra última oportunidad, y no lo ví. Estaba convencida de que volvería a mi caja de cristal y jamás sabría lo que podia haber sido.
Es una lastima que tengamos que vivir las cosas para aprender, para entender, para valorar.

Pero este día no es sobre mi ¿Cómo podría serlo cuando el calendario al fin marca la fecha?
No habría imaginado no ser parte de este día, estar a kilómetros de ti en todas las formas posibles, tan lejos que no tengo ni forma de decir Feliz Cumpleaños. 

I told you. You’ll find her and so did you.
So, all those songs were right.
She’s now all I was and far more. The closest to the perfection you were looking for, that perhaps you wish have met her earlier.
She must be all am not. She must love dogs, and your music, you can finally sing along while driving your car, she must be so nice and polite, always kind... always smiling never cursing and making a storm out of nowhere.
She must like your friends and you might even take her out with you, a dream came true.
Am sure she apart from being beautiful, is hardworking, committed, compassionate and again makes you feel lucky and mostly... loved.
You must even be willing to introduce her to your family, things are easy again.
So, I guess my theory doesn’t apply with you.
I’m the only one getting messed, I acted wrong.
Good for you. You hadn’t to wait any longer, you finally have what you’ve been waiting for. She arrived when she had to to fulfilled and light all those dark places I left.

Será que pintarnos una idea de cómo pudo haber sido nuestra vida, en realidad nos hace sentir mejor acerca de quienes somos? Cuando al final la vida es como es y quiza aquellos que dicen que no pudo ser de otra manera, tienen las pruebas a su favor...
¿Cúal es la verad?
The first time I heard that my mind stopped for a second and then run at full speed. For the first time in a year, I allowed myself to believe that we were meant to be apart at this point, that we were meant to change our lives and that maybe, there is a tiny possibility that this is where I belong.

I spent the first 5 months of the year asking myself every day how I ended up how I did.
Then, right when month sixth started I stopped, somehow I just embraced my life and the people who were in it. June came and went and we did not cross, we did not even wrote each other behind everyone's back as we used to do. It just took two months apart to change my whole life once again.

We are going to kill each other, and then what? Then what is going to happen?. it seems like I keep digging deeper and deeper, finding a way in which there is actually not a way to get back.

If you ask me why I said yes... the truth is that I don't really know.
I don't know if was this lousy life I currently have, the loneliness, the despair of finding my way out or I simply have a thing for drama.

I believe it started when I was 14 and had to choose between changing middle school or staying, but I decided it was more exciting a change. Since then drama has been my companion. I take good care of it.

Just for a second, I will allow my mind to go to that place, the place where I consider the possibility of everything being a terrible nightmare or not. The possibility of everything being incredibly amazing, and still not being enough.  wish I could see another possible outcome, but I don't.

Am afraid I might have ruined his life and this time worse than ever.

He asked me, but once again I had to give the right answer. I just can't help it.

How many times a heart can be ripped out?

I was wrong.

I hate my life. 

My response to all those questions is still the same, “Yes”. 

I do feel alone even in a crowded room. 

I often think about reaching the end. 

I would rather stay in...

I basically cry at least once a day. 

And I regret... I deeply regret.

Seeing myself alone in a room doing what am supposed to isn’t fulfilling. This future might be waiting for me, but doesn’t matter how much you try to convince of that, I don’t want it anymore. 

I think about all those people I criticized for running away from a life far from home. Loneliness is a powerful weapon, as appealing as it might sound, living with it is not made for everyone. I can’t tell if is made for me. 

I’m not sure is you. You have always been you, you have never lied, I knew what I will get if choosing you and I did it despite of that. 

But there is an emptiness you cannot fulfill, that is the reason why I say is not you. Cause there is nothing else you can do, you have given what you have and is not enough. Is not you. 

Am with you but I still feel alone. And then I wonder if I truly love you. Because of the feeling I get when you leave. 

I don’t want time to take away the smell of your presence, the touch of your skin, the sound of your voice, I don’t want this feeling that our story happened on a different life. 

I beg you not to disappear, hold to our story please... resist a bit longer. 

I don’t want to call this home, it doesn’t feel like that. It is impossible that could ever be compared to living with you.

 I’m afraid I was right. Is not worth it. 

 But I’ve came too far to come back. I closed the door behind me and dropped the key. 

I’m lost.